What cards, consciousness, and competition taught me about living from the Authentic Self

For ten years, I sat at the felt-covered tables of casinos and card rooms across North America, playing poker for a living. It was a strange career, equal parts thrilling, punishing, and psychologically revealing. I was in my 30s, and while I thought I was playing the game, I later realized the game was also playing me.

Now, after a decade immersed in personal transformation, nervous system healing, and spiritual realization, through the work that’s become Expanding You, I’ve come to see how deeply poker mirrors life. And more importantly, how most of us are still playing life like it’s poker: high-stakes, high-stress, trying to outmaneuver others so we can finally feel safe, seen, or significant.

But what if there’s another way to play? One that doesn’t require the bluff, the edge, or the internal war?

Let’s talk about that.

In the Hand or Out of the Hand: Blind Spots and Embodiment

One of the simplest but most powerful lessons poker taught me was this: everything feels different depending on whether you’re in the hand or watching the hand.

When you’re in the hand, meaning you’re one of the players involved in a big pot, making decisions with real money on the line, your nervous system is activated. There’s pressure, risk, and the unknown. You’re evaluating opponents, trying to read patterns, questioning your own reads, managing fear, and making bets that could cost you.

But if you’re out of the hand, just watching from the sidelines, it’s all obvious. You see who’s bluffing. You know who’s strong. You can tell who’s panicking. Your nervous system is calm, and your clarity is high.

And man, if that isn’t personal development in a nutshell.

Most of us are in the hand with our own pain, coping strategies, and unconscious stories. When we’re emotionally activated, caught in a fight with a partner, spiraling about money, or stuck in people-pleasing mode, we lose access to clarity. Our perception narrows. We don’t see clearly because our nervous system isn’t regulated.

Meanwhile, the people around us (if they’re regulated) can often see our patterns more clearly than we can. “You always shut down when things get vulnerable.” “You’re trying to control again.” “You’re scared and avoiding.”

But we resist. We’re defensive. We justify. Because we’re in the damn hand. And it feels real.

This is why embodiment and emotional regulation are at the heart of Expanding You’s Inner Balance work. You can’t think your way out of being “in the hand”. You have to learn how to be with your system, create internal space, and come back to your seat at the table, not to win the pot, but to reclaim your center, your empowerment.

Know the Rules. Then Break Them With Mastery.

I often say this about poker:

“First, you learn the rules. Then you learn how to break them, strategically.”

Same in life.

A beginner poker player learns how the hands rank. What beats what. When to fold. When to raise. A seasoned player doesn’t just follow the rules, they understand them so well that they can bend them to gain an edge. They know when to represent strength, when to trap weakness, when to bluff with nothing, and when to go all-in with air.

But here’s the twist: most people are playing life with that same mentality. They’ve learned the psychological “rules” of how to survive in their family system, school, or workplace. Be agreeable. Be strong. Be smart. Don’t show too much. Don’t be too emotional. Don’t lose.

Then, like a good poker player, they get strategic. They find the edges in others. They learn how to win arguments, negotiate power, and gain approval. They find ways to manipulate reality just enough to feel safe, loved, or significant.

But all of this comes from what I call your “Constructed Identity”, basically, the version of you that was shaped by past experiences, pain, and what you’ve been taught to believe about yourself. It’s protection mode…survival programming dressed up as “success.”

And just like poker, it’s all based on the illusion of control. You don’t control the cards. You don’t control the outcome. You only control how you show up to each hand, and who you become through it.

We’re taught from an early age, sometimes explicitly, sometimes subtly, that the world is a hostile place. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there.” “You’ve got to fend for yourself.” “Only the strong survive.”

It’s Darwin’s theory misapplied to human consciousness.

This thinking seeps into our relationships, our businesses, even our spiritual communities. We assume life is a one-winner game. That someone has to lose in order for us to win. That we must prove our worth, guard our vulnerabilities, and out-compete the next person or get left behind.

But that’s not how life actually works.

If you zoom out and look at nature, not just through the lens of predators and prey, but through ecosystems, you’ll see something radically different. Life thrives through interconnection. Bees don’t hoard all the pollen. Trees communicate through their roots to share nutrients. Wolves keep deer populations healthy. Everything is in relationship.

Life is not built on domination. It’s built on coherence.

When we believe we must dominate to survive, we’re still living from trauma. We’re in the Constructed Identity, operating from fear, protection, and separation.

But when we come into alignment with the deeper truth, that we are all part of one living, breathing system, we begin to see a different path.

“Humanity and the Earth are a team. They do not need to be divided.”

Winning by Making Others Fold: The Constructed Identity’s Favorite Game

Great poker players don’t just win with strong hands. They win by getting you to fold a better hand. That’s called skill. Or, in the business world, it’s called “strategy.” In marketing, it’s called “positioning.” In dating, “game.”

But if we’re honest, in life, it’s often called self-protection.

The Constructed Identity loves win-lose scenarios. It was built for them. As children, we learned to survive by being better than, less than, more liked, more quiet, more useful, whatever was required. The nervous system learned: If I win, I’m safe. If I lose, I’m not lovable. If I fold, I’m weak.

So what do we do? We spend adulthood trying to win every hand. We try to win at marriage. Win at spirituality. Win at healing. Win at Instagram.

Even in the personal development world, we’re bluffing with high-stakes language, acting like we’re “embodied” or “authentic” when we’re still terrified of being fully seen.

Lynn once asked me, “What’s a life lesson you’ve learned from poker?”

At first, I gave the usual response, pattern recognition, emotional regulation, risk tolerance. But then she pushed deeper. “How does it shape your view of the world?”

That’s when I saw it: poker is a zero-sum game. One person’s gain is another’s loss. There’s only one winner per hand.

That’s fine for a card game. But it’s a toxic operating system for relationships and life.

Too many people are still living with poker’s win-lose mentality. Find the weak spot. Exploit the gap. Beat the competition. Manipulate perception. Prove yourself. Build the edge.

We call this good business. Or good leadership. But it’s really just the Constructed Identity dressed up in a nice suit.

And this kind of leadership, let’s call it survival-based leadership, is everywhere. It’s competitive. Closed off. Opinionated. It leads by control, persuasion, or dominance. It’s not interested in understanding others; it’s interested in being right. In winning. And in being the smartest person in the room.

But authentic leadership is something else entirely.

Authentic leadership isn’t about being the best at knowing, it’s about being the best at listening. It doesn’t try to control people or outcomes. It invites curiosity. It holds multiple perspectives at once. It asks questions not to corner others, but to co-create something better.

This kind of leadership recognizes that truth isn’t a weapon, it’s a bridge. It builds trust. It allows the room to get smarter together. It shifts the room from competition to collaboration. From winning alone to rising together.

That’s a win-win-win game. That’s the kind of game the Authentic Self plays. (the truest expression of who you are, from your heart, before the fear, programming, and protective patterns took over.)

It doesn’t need to be the hero, or the one with the biggest stack of chips.

It simply wants everyone at the table to play a better game.

Play the Game Well, Even When You Don’t Win

(And why authentic risk is still worth it, every time.)

Here’s something every seasoned poker player knows:

You can play the hand perfectly, read the table, calculate the odds, stay emotionally grounded, make all the right moves, and still lose. The cards don’t always cooperate.

It’s the same in life.

Living in alignment with your Authentic Self, leading with love, being honest, choosing compassion, acting from clarity, doesn’t guarantee you’ll get the outcome you want. You might show up with total integrity, and still get misunderstood. You might offer your heart, and still get rejected. You might lead with wisdom, and still lose the hand.

But poker taught me something simple: you don’t measure your growth by how many hands you win. You measure it by how well you played, especially when the stakes were high.

And that’s where real risk-taking lives. Not in ego-driven bravado. Not in reckless leaps to prove your worth. But in sacred vulnerability, the kind of risk that says:

“I’m willing to be seen. I’m willing to tell the truth. I’m willing to love, even if I’m not met.”

That kind of risk isn’t loud or flashy. It won’t get you applause from the world.

But it will set you free.

The Authentic Self doesn’t avoid risk, it just chooses the kind that expands you, instead of the kind that contracts you. Risk becomes part of the path, not to manipulate an outcome, but to stay loyal to your heart.

In Expanding You, we often say:

“The outcome isn’t up to you. Your alignment is.”

So you risk showing up anyway. You risk being kind, even when others aren’t. You risk speaking up or asking the hard question, even if it makes you unpopular. 

You risk loving first.

You risk letting go.

Because you know: the safest place to be is in full alignment with who you truly are.

That’s the deeper mastery.

When you stop playing life like a results-based game, and start playing it as an integrity-based path, something shifts. You show up with more peace. More openness. More grounded joy. You’re no longer gambling your self-worth on the next win.

You’re just here to play well, with a clean heart, a curious mind, and your whole being on the table.

What Game Are You Playing?

If you find yourself exhausted, always strategizing, chasing, comparing, proving… you’re probably still playing life like poker.

And that’s okay. We’ve all done it. We were taught that life is a tournament. That you need to get ahead. That someone else’s success means your loss. That vulnerability is a liability.

But there’s a deeper game available. It’s slower. Quieter. Richer. It doesn’t need to bluff. It doesn’t need to fold. It doesn’t even care what cards you’re holding, because it knows you are the prize, not the money or the recognition..

And in that game, everyone wins.

By Jeff Brown

Cofounder of Expanding You